The University of Portland does not discriminate in its education programs, admissions policies, scholarship and loan programs, athletic and other school administered programs, or employment on the basis of race, color, national or ethnic origin, sex, disability, age, or sexual orientation. The University expressly reserves its rights and obligations to maintain its commitment to its Catholic identity and the doctrines of the Catholic Church.This is an incredible step for the University, especially since I had completely and utterly believed that the Board would say no. Everything that had happened last semester had me utterly convinced that change wouldn't happen now. I had gotten so used to hearing no and excuses that there was no hope left that anything could happen.
So when I checked my email that Friday afternoon and read the change, I started crying. I called one of my best friends, who graduated about a year and a half ago, and left him a message that wasn't quite understandable as I later found out. Another friend and I spent that night celebrating and by the end of it, I felt like I was going to explode because of all the food we ate.
The next few days after the news was quite brilliant - seeing people on campus the following Monday was incredible.
At this point, it has been weeks since the change and the initial high from the news has worn off. I'm still incredibly thankful for the change and the fact that it came during my time as a student. But at the same time, it still feels like not a whole lot has changed on campus. I still have anxiety about disclosing my sexual and gender identity, only feeling slightly comfortable in a class where the professor has supported a safe classroom and understands much more about the queer community than any other professor I've had.
I still constantly think about last semester, unable to shake the things said throughout several months not only about issues of sexual orientation but to other activism work as well. There is one phrase that I remember the most; a staff member at UP and I were talking about the activism work I have been doing during my time at the school. They meant it out of concern but it still sticks with me many months after they said it.
"Petitions and protests aren't how things work on campus. You are a very out spoken activist in many ways but that's not how it works here."This has stuck with me and I can't seem to shake it. At this point, I'm nearly finished with my time at UP and with the amount of money that has poured into this education, I won't be leaving without my degree in hand. But at the same time, I don't know how much I can pour into the campus community because of the way in which most of what I've done has been spat back in my face. Since the 2013/2014 year started, I've been keeping my head down and that seems to be working. So that's probably how the rest of the year will fan out as well.
In the end, I'm so glad that the policy has changed and I know that there is so much more to be done to change the school. Policies hold no meaning if they are not being carried out in every day life on campus and at this point, they are not. There is still a culture of don't ask don't tell, an internalized sense of homophobia, and invisible sense of transphobia.
But I've been so crushed and defeated over the past few years that for my own sake, I can't continue working on the issues at hand if I ever want to get my degree. And I still continue to feel broken and defeated by all that happened last semester. I have no hope for personally making the school a better place.
So here's to those who continue to bring change to wherever they are in whatever way they can, to those who are making the space around them a safe place for everyone, to those who are working for justice. Because without the movers and shakers, I would have no hope for the future.
