Eastside Catholic students rally behind ousted vice principal

In the past couple of days, Eastside Catholic High School has been getting a lot of attention over an incident that has occured with their vice principal. Today was Mark Zmuda's last day at the school as vice principle and swim couch, after being fired for marrying his partner this summer. Students from the school and surrounding schools participated in a sit in and protests over the incident and a petition has started over the incident, calling on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops and the Archdiocese of Seattle to change their positions on same sex marriage.

After spending the semester working on religious denominational stances on homosexuality, I can tell you that the petition is asking for a lot but I still signed it in support not only for Mr. Zmuda but for the queer students, faculty, and staff at Catholic schools across the country. I also signed it for myself because of my experiences at the University of Portland. You've all heard my story. You all know about my anxiety and depression because of constantly hearing that part of my identity was objectively disordered and sinful. (And for me, behavior and identity in this context cannot  be removed from one another. Who I love (behavior) is an essential part of my identity. I've heard friends being compared to murders because they're gay, being called disgusting, being afraid to use public restrooms because of their gender identity. And a lot of this happens with no ramifications for those who said these horrible things.

The students at Eastside and other schools have shown what the school and Archdiocese hasn't: that queer people matter. That we deserve to be loved and loved in return. That we deserve a space in religion and faith.

So to the students at Eastside Catholic and surrounding schools, thank you for being incredibly courageous.

If you'd like to sign the petition, it can be found here.
More information can be found below as well:

• Eastside Catholic students rally around ousted vice principle - Seattle Times
• Catholic students protest gay vice principal's resignation - King5
• Photos: Eastside Catholic protest over gay teacher confrontation - KiroTV
• RAW VIDEO: gay teacher dismissed from Eastside Catholic addresses students - KiroTV

Make to sure to follow #keepmrz2013 and @keepmrz2013 on Twitter for updates!

Body Positivity

I don't normally talk about my body to many people. Really, I don't talk about it to anyone because of the amount of shame that I carry with me. Anytime that my parents people bring up body issues, especially weight, I tense up and immediately shut down because I don't want to talk about these issues. For example, I've been working on this post for weeks now and it's taken that long because talking about it too long is stressful.

But the reason I'm starting to open up a little is because of what happened over Thanksgiving break. I was down to two pairs of pants, if you could even classify them as pants. They both had holes and one's zipper stopped working entirely. So as soon as we got into Bellingham, my friend and I went on what was supposed to be a quick shopping trip to Freddy's. 45 minutes later, I had tried on almost 15 different pants, all of which didn't fit in some regard. Some fit perfectly, except the waist was too small. Others fit around my waist but were too long or too big everywhere else. Most times, I felt like I was wearing a tent.

It was humilating and very stressful. I just needed a pair of pants that didn't have holes in inconvenient places and the zippers worked, which should have taken a fraction of the time I spent that day. I know what styles I like but spent so much time trying pair after pair on. After awhile, I nearly started stress crying in the middle of the fitting room because there were no pants that fit me.

I know that I am fat and I know that I need to lose weight. But that statement doesn't make me less of a person. That statement shouldn't make me hate myself so much. That statement shouldn't mean that I don't deserve clothing or that I don't deserve to feel respected or safe.

And just because I'm fat doesn't mean I haven't experienced street harassment. My personal space has been invaded on several occasions while waiting for the bus, including several people touching my head to get my attention. "Fatty", "fat ass" and others has been yelled at me on several occasions. I've been followed for several blocks and onto buses on several occasions, all the while people trying to strike up a conversation with me. I have had it easy comparatively but at the same time, my story shouldn't be silenced because I'm fat.

I'm constantly aware of the way in which I carry myself. I'm constantly aware of the space I'm taking up and I always notice how people are hesitant to sit next to me on the bus. I get stressed out and really anxious about eating in public, so much so that often times, I don't eat in public spaces or with people around. Because of that, my eating habits are awful, with me using snacking on bad snacks and eating bigger meals when I can at home. I constantly have insecurities and anxieties and abuses going through my mind. This is something that I think about every single day of my life.

But despite all of that, I am still alive. And I struggle on a regular basis but I am still grateful for what I do have in my life. Because I have family that despite their flaws and well intended terrible remarks and actions, I know love me. And I have so much more in my life. Because while I struggle with my weight and insecurities, I am still trying every day to make the world at least a tiny bit better. And while I'm tired of the way in which my body is treated by others and tired of the way in which I'm silenced and made to feel like a loathsome and disgusting thing, I still get up every morning and go out into the world.

I am fat. I am here. I exist.

And there is nothing that can stop that.

On Duck Dynasty

Over the past day or so, news has been circulating that the star of the A&E show 'Duck Dynasty' star, Phil Robertson, was suspended over anti-gay remarks in an interview. I'll admit right now that I've seen about 10 minutes of the show total in my life but I do know of the cultural significance that the show has. When I heard for the first time that he had been suspended, the reason hadn't been included but instead was framed as a freedom of speech issue. It wasn't until later that I found out more about the interview that Robertson was suspended over.

In the interview, Robertson states that homosexuality is a sin and likens it to bestiality, even stating that homosexual behavior will "just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men" (pulled from a CNN article on the issue). Interestingly enough, Robertson also said some rather interesting comments on race as well, which has seemingly been pushed to the side in this issue. 

But the reason why I wanted to write a post on this issue is because of the way in which I found out about the news. A friend posted on Facebook about the issue that they were no longer supporting or watching 'Duck Dynasty' not because of the comments but instead that they support freedom of expression and that people are entitled to their opinions.

As a queer person, I'm honestly glad that A&E suspended Robertson because while people are entitled to their own opinions, homophobic comments similar to what he had said have lead to mental health issues, stigma, homelessness, and suicides for some in the queer community. A&E's actions mean a great deal in regards to queer representation in the media institution. And that's only dealing with his homophobic comments, as he did say some problematic things about racial issues as well!

I personally applaud their actions with the suspension of Phil Robertson, regardless of individual freedom of expression.

Queer Students at UP video

For one of my classes this past semester, I had to create a creative web project about a social inequality that exists. Because of the Redefine Purple Pride student movement last spring, I decided to highlight experiences from queer students at the University of Portland. I had done interviews of my friends and fellow queer and allied students in the spring and early fall of 2012 but even though it has been a year+, the culture and atmosphere hasn't changed a whole lot since then.

And like Fr. Beauchamp has repeatedly said, nothing has changed since the policy changed in September 2013. But the thing that has changed is that I feel more comfortable posting this video. I have been sitting on hours and hours of interviews of experiences but have felt uncomfortable and anxious sharing any of them. But here it is:

Queer Students at UP from Andrea Merrill on Vimeo.

These are just some of the stories that I have. Hopefully I'll be able to make more like this in the future!

ARWEAR Campaign: Why Anti-Rape Clothing adds to Rape Culture

So there is a new campaign that circling the internet right now and it's trying to raise funds to make an anti rape clothing line.

(This should be it... I can't embed Vimeo videos into blogger posts for some reason so I hope this is the YouTube equivalent...)

And it appears that I might be one of the few people upset at this campaign. I do appreciate the attempt to decrease sexual assault rates but I don't think that this is the way.

First and foremost, why are there only white/light skinned, conventionally beautiful, cisgendered women in the video? This helps to instill the stereotype that cis women are at risk for rape and instills the beauty image of whiteness and thinness. 

Second, it continues to add to the rape culture AND it victim blames. People who are victims of sexual assault of any kind SHOULD NOT be at blame and this ad will probably add another layer to that. I can just image the arguments of "well SHE should have been wearing those panties to keep safe". To top that off, it takes the focus off rapists to the victim. By not actively looking at the people who are raping, we continue to add into the culture. This redirection to the victims continues to add to the invisibility of the perpetrators. AND to top it off, it neglects and silences trans* and male victims of rape. (Rape is not just a women's issue. It is an issue of the patriarchy.)

Third, it also instills the idea that rape comes from strangers at parties when in fact, most sexual assault comes from friends or significant others. Are women supposed to wear these all the time?! 

Fourth, it also takes out the community effort of preventing sexual assaults (or of any type of assault really). Several months ago, I took a day long training with the Green Dot program at my school and wrote about my experience here. This ARWEAR campaigns continues to instill the idea that rape and sexual assault is a personal problem that an individual should deal with but in reality, that often isn't the case.

There is a tumblr post going around that adds more views and opinions about the campaign, the ones that I have seen have been quite upset at it. I really recommend reading the comments, especially since they raise some really great points about race as well.

University of Portland policy changes for the better.

Several weeks ago, a big change happened at the University of Portland. The Board of Regents voted to include sexual orientation into the Equal Opportunity and Nondiscrimination Policy. Now the policy reads:

The University of Portland does not discriminate in its education programs, admissions policies, scholarship and loan programs, athletic and other school administered programs, or employment on the basis of race, color, national or ethnic origin, sex, disability, age, or sexual orientation. The University expressly reserves its rights and obligations to maintain its commitment to its Catholic identity and the doctrines of the Catholic Church.

This is an incredible step for the University, especially since I had completely and utterly believed that the Board would say no. Everything that had happened last semester had me utterly convinced that change wouldn't happen now. I had gotten so used to hearing no and excuses that there was no hope left that anything could happen.

So when I checked my email that Friday afternoon and read the change, I started crying. I called one of my best friends, who graduated about a year and a half ago, and left him a message that wasn't quite understandable as I later found out. Another friend and I spent that night celebrating and by the end of it, I felt like I was going to explode because of all the food we ate.

The next few days after the news was quite brilliant - seeing people on campus the following Monday was incredible.

At this point, it has been weeks since the change and the initial high from the news has worn off. I'm still incredibly thankful for the change and the fact that it came during my time as a student. But at the same time, it still feels like not a whole lot has changed on campus. I still have anxiety about disclosing my sexual and gender identity, only feeling slightly comfortable in a class where the professor has supported a safe classroom and understands much more about the queer community than any other professor I've had.

I still constantly think about last semester, unable to shake the things said throughout several months not only about issues of sexual orientation but to other activism work as well. There is one phrase that I remember the most; a staff member at UP and I were talking about the activism work I have been doing during my time at the school. They meant it out of concern but it still sticks with me many months after they said it.

"Petitions and protests aren't how things work on campus. You are a very out spoken activist in many ways but that's not how it works here."

This has stuck with me and I can't seem to shake it. At this point, I'm nearly finished with my time at UP and with the amount of money that has poured into this education, I won't be leaving without my degree in hand. But at the same time, I don't know how much I can pour into the campus community because of the way in which most of what I've done has been spat back in my face. Since the 2013/2014 year started, I've been keeping my head down and that seems to be working. So that's probably how the rest of the year will fan out as well.

In the end, I'm so glad that the policy has changed and I know that there is so much more to be done to change the school. Policies hold no meaning if they are not being carried out in every day life on campus and at this point, they are not. There is still a culture of don't ask don't tell, an internalized sense of homophobia, and invisible sense of transphobia.

But I've been so crushed and defeated over the past few years that for my own sake, I can't continue working on the issues at hand if I ever want to get my degree. And I still continue to feel broken and defeated by all that happened last semester. I have no hope for personally making the school a better place.

So here's to those who continue to bring change to wherever they are in whatever way they can, to those who are making the space around them a safe place for everyone, to those who are working for justice. Because without the movers and shakers, I would have no hope for the future.

Halloween

October is and has been my favorite month. My birthday is October 9th and fall is my favorite season. The leafs are changing color and falling and in between pumpkins, apples, and corn mazes, my heart is happier than a cat with catnip. But my favorite part of October is today, Halloween. I love haunted houses/corn mazes, I love dressing up, I love the history. Basically there is a lot I love about Halloween.

You know what I hate about Halloween though? When white people take it as a day to dress in ethnic costumes like in blackface, as Native Americans/American Indians, as "big kahunas". Two white college kids dressed up as Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman and Colorlines highlights eight ethnic costumes that have gone terribly wrong.

For the love of everything holy, don't dress in ethnic costumes ever. The Crimson can do a much better job describing why costumes are racist and a generally awful idea but basically, costumes are a way in which racial and cultural stereotypes continue to exist. (In all seriousness, look at The Crimson article. It does a fantastic job at looking at why ethnic costumes are awful.)

Also, can we stop slut shaming? Annie-Rose Strasser and Tara Culp-Ressler wrote a piece on Halloween slut shaming that highlights how to celebrate today without being sexist.

If you can't think of a costume, here are just some ideas for white people that I literally just spent three seconds on (I apologize, most will be nerdy...):

• Dr. Horrible
• Castiel, the nerd angel
• Hipster (I mean really. Plaid flannel, big glasses, and a pretentious attitude is all you need. Bonus points for fair trade coffee in a mug with an obscure reference on it)
• Batman
• Superman
• Anyone from The Breakfast Club
• Pretty much like 90% of Harry Potter characters
• Thor
• Loki
• Bruce Banner/Hulk
• Captain America
• Iron Man
• Peter Pan or Wendy

So I lied. They're all nerdy. #SorryNotSorry

But you get the point. There are so many potential costumes out there that there is NO excuse or explanation for dressing up in a racist or sexist costumes (no hate for the sexy costumes though).

Okay end rant. Have a safe and not racist Halloween!