However, with the many times that I've shared with many people. there is one time that really sticks out in my mind and I wanted to share that.
Last Saturday, I met with several friends and friends of friends. We spent some time talking about the different issues that are going on in the Portland area and why we're involved in our current fights. When it was my chance to share, I started in the same way I've always done: I explained the situation of Redefine Purple Pride and the words that Fr. Beauchamp said a while back.
But soon this time became different. I found myself admitting the fact that I haven't felt at home at UP. For the two and a half years, I've constantly carried an immense amount of hatred and anger with me toward the general atmosphere at the university. I've never felt like I belonged at the university but I was afraid to leave because if the university constantly said that they were a welcoming community and I felt like this here, why would it be different at another campus? And a part of it was that I never wanted to admit that there was a problem. I thought it was my fault that I didn't fit in. I was the problem. I didn't wear the right clothes, I didn't have the right identity to belong, I was the issue and everyone else understood what it took to be a part of the university community. It has always seemed like all of the anger and hurt and betrayal that I've felt has been entirely my fault.
I kept talking. The next part I found myself saying without realizing what I was saying. Throughout my entire life, it has always felt like people have said that I can't be completely myself and be religious. I've always gotten the message that I either have to deny a fundamental part of myself and be religious and have faith. Or I could embrace myself, with all of my identities and live openly as part of the LGBTQ community and not be religious.
"I've always gotten the impression that I can't have a relationship with God and have faith because of who I am. It doesn't matter if I want a relationship or not. If I'm queer, I cannot have one."
Those sentences came out like word vomit and before that moment, I never admitted that to myself, let alone other people.
I've felt like that not only could I not be religious and queer, I cannot have a relationship with God in any way. I've always feel like I've been denied a relationship with God and I've always gotten the impression that I cannot under any circumstances have control over whether or not I wanted a relationship with God or not.
And when I admitted that, my heart broke and I held back tears in front of the people I was with. Later on, when I was alone, I broke down. Because honestly, I want to be myself and have a relationship with God. I want to be able to go to church and be a part of a community that has been just like family for me.
I've never felt like I could do that while at UP. I've always felt like I had to be one or the other, yet both have become fundamental parts of who I have come to identify as. I've heard people talk about how homosexuality is a sin but I've also heard the opposite: that those of faith are people of hate. And I've been at a crossroad of sort. What if I wanted to be both? Would I then be a person of sin and an abomination who was behind preaching hate?
I've learned with my work with the greater Portland community that it is possible to be openly a part of the LGBTQ community and a person of faith, without being a sin, an abomination or a person preaching hate. I've come to find love and acceptance but only because of my work outside of the university. I still feel a denial of sorts while on campus - I still feel like there is tolerance but only because people feel obligated to put up with me, not because they actually have taken the time to talk with me but because they would look bad otherwise.
At this point, I'm not asking the university to throw out all the catholic teachings and beliefs and automatically start having pride days. Instead, I just ask that we, as a community, start to challenge our beliefs and our experiences. Talk to people who disagree with you in respectful ways. Learn about the ways in which people are different and challenge the beliefs you have.
Don't abandon your beliefs but question them instead.
