I'm at this point where nearly every single thing in my life gives me anxiety and I've been dealing with it by shutting myself away and sleeping. 

Every conversation I have with any person, I overanalyze. I obsess over gestures and word choices repeatedly until that's all that I can think about. I think about every possible terrible scenario and avoid actually getting things done or trying to solve problems because what is that really awful scenario that I made up in my head turns out to be true? I think about my interactions with others and almost always think "holy shit, I'm annoying them so much never talk to anyone ever again". So if we have any sort of interaction recently, that's probably going through my head (with other things) thousands of time. 

I've always had anxiety. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always "a worrier" as my mom describes it. I distinctly remember being told thousands of times throughout my life that I have a big heart, that sometimes I care too much. This is how it has always been described for me. It wasn't until recently that I finally accepted that what I'm dealing with is much more than having a big heart and worries.

The past several months though have actually made the anxiety worse and the past several weeks have been especially hard. Moving to a new house with new people actually took a huge part of my support system away. I know I will always have a support system, especially with my family, but there was something really nice in having someone right outside my bedroom door making sure I was okay, making sure I was taking care of myself. There is nothing wrong with my new house. I love my new housemates (and there's a cat!) but these insecurities aren't something that I can just dumped on them. So now I've resorted to the internet.

I've watched as relationships in my life just dwindle away into what to me feels like nothing and I can't do a single thing about it because again, there is the obsessing and overanalyzing. I feel like I'm needy and clingy, as if me feeling alone is completely and totally my fault.

The voices (not actual voices but hang in there) in my head constantly shout insecurities at me. I constantly think about how every single little insecurity and every single awful thing that has ever entered my head. I feel like I'm drowning. My anxieties have taken over my entire life.

I'm at this point where anxiety is no longer a part of my life but my entire life. I feel worthless, as if I've already accomplished everything that life has set out for me. I have never and will continue to not consider suicide. Let me repeat: not suicidal in any sense. All I ever feel like doing now is sleeping and that's about it.

I feel broken, discarded, cast off. 

People can tell me that they love me, that I'm not worthless, etc etc. But in reality and nothing against anyone, others' words will probably never drown out those voices in my head. Ever. And at this point, I don't need or want people to fix me. And I know that I have people out there who care about me. But honestly I'm probably never going to go to anyone for help. Because there will always be those voices shouting at me thousands of insecurities and coming up with even more things to obsess over.

Why am I telling what is probably an empty audience this? Because I'm tired. Because the way in which mental health is dealt with in mainstream society is complete and utter bullshit. I can't just be fucking happy because I tried that but that just made things worse. I'm tired of hiding my anxieties because I know that the moment I share them with others, there will just be judgment. I know that if I can't do something or that I have to leave because of the voices in my head, people will think less of me and think I'm weak. 

Writing made things a bit better. I've stopped crying for now. I don't feel overwhelmingly anxious as I finish this post. Now I feel bitter, jaded, and partially numb.